I was in my 40s before I learned the truth, and it was also eye-opening to most of my executive clients.
We are not emotional file cabinets that can be shut and locked on command—especially not at work.
It’s remarkably consistent: people in all roles, industries, and countries often overlook just how much their past influences their present behavior. Time and again in coaching, we’ve seen major breakthroughs happen when clients connect the dots between their history and their habits.
One executive said it best: “I come from a family of farmers. My folks didn’t voice their optimism much. Inspiration didn’t matter on a farm. The cows don’t care how you talk to them—as long as you show up on time.” That early programming? It was still muting his energy in the boardroom.
As Dodie Smith once wrote, family is “that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape.” That includes your first bosses, too. They imprint us more than we realize. If you’ve ever worked under poor leadership, you likely remember the sting decades later—and you may still carry the scars (or the habits).
One client—raised in a military family and later a veteran herself—was quiet in meetings with senior leaders. She thought it was respect. But once she saw herself on video, she realized it looked like uncertainty. Ironically, she was bold and assertive in her personal life, fighting passionately in city council meetings. With coaching, she learned to transplant those tulip bulbs—bringing her strength from one setting into another.
The lesson? You don’t need to escape your past—you just need to understand it. That’s when your influence really takes root.
